


Nothing

by KitVin



Category: DRRR, Durarara
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Childhood Trauma, Depressed Orihara Izaya, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Starvation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2019-11-06 15:35:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 35
Words: 16,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17942411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitVin/pseuds/KitVin
Summary: Izaya is a mess, and gets found out by Shizuo. The one person he hates most now knows way too much. Lots of angst. Lots of hurt. Not a lot of comfort. Read the notes.I don't know if it's going to be 50 chapters exactly, it's just an estimate bc (as I write this) I'm at 22 chapters and almost halfway through what I have written so far. Also the later chapters are a bit longer, so the more I write the closer I think I'll get to 50.





	1. Droplets of Salt and Iron

**Author's Note:**

> It's a bit cliche I guess, but it's really just for me. I've actually hurt beta readers so... This isn't the most painful thing I've written but still read with caution if emotional hurting gets to you. There isn't a lot of sex or violence but there is a pretty vivid dissociation scene, that could be triggering. There's also dream sequence flashbacks to childhood abuse. Fucked up Izaya is, no lie, my favorite Izaya. Also don't worry if a chapter seems too short, I tend to split them oddly. Oh yeah and my pov and tenses are all over the place... I'm... I'm really sorry.

The information broker skipped through Ikebukuro with his constant thin smile, as he usually does on fine days like this. He stared eagerly at his phone, reading the group chat with excitement. He wondered when his next scheme would catch their attention? He's lit all the right matches in all the right places, now he just needs the wind to shift… just a little.  
Unfortunately, within a few minutes he realised that things were… mundane. Izaya hates mundanity. He absently scratched his arm, hoping something, anything, would happen. Then, his wish was granted by the very last person Izaya wanted to see.  
“I-ZZAA-YAAA KUUN!!!!” came the beastial roar, echoing through the city. Izaya felt a weight in his stomach, but he did not react. He turned slowly to face Shizuo Heiwajima, his thin smile faltering imperceptibly at the sight of his approach.  
“Really, Shizu-chan? I'm surprised you haven't gotten bored of this by now.” His voice was greasy and smooth as oil, as he danced a few feet to the side, narrowly avoiding a street sign that crashed by. Shizuo caught up quickly, and threw a potentially lethal punch that Izaya skipped away from. Shizuo didn’t care, he threw another punch, and again Izaya dodged.  
“How many times have I told you! Stay _out_ of _Ikebukuro_!!!” Shizuo screamed.  
“Oh, but I just can't do that, Shizu-chan!” Izaya flicked his wrist out of his coat pocket, opening a switch blade toward the brute.  
“Bull-SHIT!”  
Shizuo threw yet another punch, barely missing Izaya’s head.  
Izaya felt slower than usual.  
His grin faltered. What even was he doing here? This wasn't necessary. It was just a whim. A stupid, stupid whim. Shizuo threw another punch, and this time Izaya's grin failed completely as he pranced backwards, turned, and took off. Shizuo followed, of course. Izaya skipped around a corner and leapt up the stairs on a pedestrian bridge, sprinting across.  
Shizuo leapt up the same stairs, but in one leap rather than five.  
Izaya usually would have been able to outrun Shizuo, or lose him in the narrow streets, but today he was… slow. His breathing was uneven and shallow, his heart was beating a rapid staccato in his ears, and his legs felt heavy like he was wading through water. He had barely reached the end of the bridge when Shizuo caught hold of his arm. Izaya spun around with a knife at the ready, but Shizuo saw it coming. _Too slow,_ Izaya thought, as Shizuo almost effortlessly caught Izaya's hand without even receiving a scratch.  
“Well well, Shizu-chan. You finally caught me. I suppose you'll kill me now, right?”  
Izaya was getting lightheaded. _I know I'm low on blood, but shouldn't I be in better shape than this?_ He then, finally, felt the pain that had been shooting up his arm since earlier that night. Sometimes, it’s not a good thing to have a high pain tolerance.  
Shizuo wasn't moving.  
Izaya couldn't read his expression. _Why isn't he killing me?_ Izaya followed Shizuo's gaze, from under those blue sunglasses, to his hand, and finally looked at his arm.  
Izaya loves his black jacket. Long, loose sleeves, with soft fabric that will cover his arms completely without irritating the cuts, and with a dark color that hides blood - both fresh, and stained. But the blood wasn't in manageable quantities right now. It streamed from under his sleeve, dripping far too quickly from his fingertips. It was on Shizuo's hand, too.  
Izaya's’ gut sank. _Why did he have to see that?_  
“Oh, come now, Shizu-chan…” Izaya taunted, forcing the words out past a clumsy tongue. “Don't tell me you've changed your mind now! After all this time, and all those death threats? Are you truly that fickle?” Shizuo grimaced, but didn't respond.  
Izaya's’ vision was going dark. He tried to pull away. He struggled helplessly against the monster grasp of Shizuo Heiwajima, but it only made the bleeding worse.  
“Let go.” said Izaya, forcing the words out through a clumsy tongue. He was barely able to hold himself up. “Just, just let…” Izaya’s legs gave out.  
“...damn it all to hell,” Shizuo grumbled. They were the last words Izaya heard before the world went black.


	2. Carnelian Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya wakes up.

It was cold. It's always cold here, after. Izaya slowly blinked himself awake, and took in his surroundings. His clothes had been washed and folded as always, waiting for him next to his bed. Shinra knew how naked Izaya felt without a long sleeve shirt, and accommodated him. He was careful of his bandages as he dressed himself, slowly and carefully. This was not the first time he had woken up here, but this time around he didn't know how he'd gotten here, and now he had to wonder exactly who had seen what.

After getting dressed he padded over to the door, and listened for movement on the other side. He was relieved to hear nothing.  
He remembered once, some time ago, he had woken up to the sound of a party on the other side of the wall. Shizu-chan was there, as well as half the goddamned city. It had sounded… fun. _So_ , he had ripped his stitches. He knew it was a bizarre leap of logic, but for some reason that was where he went.  
He shook his head to clear it of the intrusive memories, and slid the door just an inch ajar to peek out. He was surprised to see the room was not unoccupied - just deathly silent. Shinra was turned away from Izaya's hiding place, but staring directly at him was Shizuo Heiwajima. He tried to pull back from the door and close it again, but Shizuo was too sharp. He saw Izaya through the door, and was on his feet in an instant. Izaya scrambled away but jumped nonetheless when the door slammed wide open with a bang.  
Despite himself, Izaya tripped and fell backwards onto the floor. Recently conscious and still very weak, his normally iron wits were far more scattered than he had ever let anyone see before; especially not the one man who was standing, menacingly, over him now.  
He tried to put on a neutral expression, but he could feel his mask betraying him. Fear. It was clear to see and, for the first time, Shizuo wondered about what was happening behind those crimson eyes. Shizuo felt the rage boiling up in him again, his rage at the flea for everything he'd done to Shizuo and his friends, but his rage didn't control him now. This flea wasn't the same as before.  
He was more human.  
He was scared.  
And for a split second, Shizuo almost thought the flea looked like a kid.  
Shizuo took a deep breath, and turned around.


	3. Ancient Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A facade wavers

“What is _he_ doing here?” Izaya hissed at Shinra, after Shizuo had left the room.  
Shinra bent over Izaya, and started inspecting his arms.  
“He won't hurt you,” he said calmly. “He's pretty nice when you're not goading him into violence.”  
“He's a _monster_.” Insisted Izaya, perhaps a little bit too loud.  
The crunching sound of something breaking in the other room indicated Shizuo had heard the comment. Shinra sighed heavily.  
“Why the hell do you do this, Izaya?” he asked, sounding exhausted.  
“What?” Izaya queried irritability, not sure which of his more recent questionable actions was being referred to.  
“You just…” Shinra stopped himself, “ugh, never mind.” He sounded so resigned. Izaya made a mental note to pay him extra this time. It's hard to believe he does does this voluntarily, but Izaya would feel out of balance of he didn't pay Shinra for his work, even though Shinra always tries to refuse.  
“... Thank you.” Izaya whispered, so low he wasn't even sure Shinra could hear it.  
Shinra didn't react, just kept inspecting the wound. After he deemed it to be healing well enough, he began wrapping Izaya's arms in fresh gauze. He finished quickly, then got up and left to follow Shizuo.  
Izaya stayed put. He listened and waited for the monster to leave. He heard him apologizing to Shinra for breaking another cup, and listened as Shinra told him not to worry about it. Then Izaya heard them fall silent.  
Izaya listened.  
Shizuo wasn’t leaving.

After realizing this, he waited a few more hopeful minutes before reacting. Izaya took several deep breaths, and pulled his sleeves down as far as they would stretch, before pushing his typical mask-like smirk on to his features. It took a bit for Izaya to feel any level of confidence in his facade, but after a minute decided it was good enough and pranced, almost gleefully, in to the other room.  
Shinra had poured a glass of orange juice for Izaya, next to a plain bagel. Without glancing at the others in the room, Izaya swiped them both from off of the countertop. He chugged the juice without tasting it, then set the cup back on the counter where it had been. He held the bagel loosely in his hand as he turned about to face the others. Shizuo was sitting at the far end of the couch with his arms folded across his chest, and Shinra was sitting backwards on a western style chair, waiting patiently.  
“Well, isn't this a gathering? It's like a school reunion, almost.” Izaya cooed, leaning against the counter. He was proud to hear he sounded normal, even if he didn't feel it. Shizuo glanced at him for a second, but didn't make eye contact. Izaya's insides churned to stand so close to a monster, but he somehow managed to remain casual as he took a small bite of the bagel.  
It was dry.  
“Izaya,” started Shinra, “a long time ago, I had hoped you two would be friends.”  
Izaya remembered Shinra mentioning something like that back in highschool, but to his memory it had sounded more like _If you die because of this feud I won't care_ , but Izaya didn't point that out. Shinra was still talking.  
“Shizuo saved your life. Even if you can't become friendly, perhaps you might be able to recognize him with a little bit less malice?”  
Shinra looked pleading, but Izaya knew enough about Shinra that he wasn’t fooled. Shinra doesn't care, he just wants to look the part of the good friend for Celty's sake.  
“Come now, surely you're joking, Shinra? You know that's not possible.” He finalized his statement with another mouthful of bagel. Shizuo's fingers clenched in his knees.  
“Why do you hate me.” It didn't sound like a question. Shizuo hadn't even looked up when he spoke. “From the moment you saw me, you disliked me. I know I'm hardly different, but…” Shizuo trailed off, waiting for a response. There was none.  
After a long minute, Shizuo finally glanced up at Izaya, and witnessed an expression of absolute hatred. There was no smirk to mask it, no pretty words, just pure loathing turning the spark of red in his eyes into an ocean of angry red flame. Shinra felt the hairs on the nape of his neck stand up when they made eye contact, these polar opposites of people. The room froze and a moment of absolute silence permeated them to the bone, tension drawing tight enough to be touched. Izaya moved first, his expression not changing as he threw the bagel back onto the plate and spun away.  
“Monsters shouldn't pretend to be human, Shizu-chan. You should give up on playing pretend, it doesn't fit you. Monsters don't have friends, and they don't have feelings.” and with that he simply left. Ignoring Shinra's protests, he swept out of the room and disappeared into the night, swallowed by shadows.  
Izaya made his way to the nearest place he could call a home. At one of his three apartments, he forced himself to eat something, then wrote out a check to Shinra, _for services received._ Double the usual amount. Izaya sat down at one of his computers to open the group chat, catching up on anything he had missed out on. It looks like one of the matches he had lit finally caught a breeze….


	4. A Belated Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shizuo contemplates

Shizuo Heiwajima was pacing. It's a funny thing, watching violence incarnate try to deal with something internally for a change. Shinra followed him back and forth with his worried gaze, but whether he was concerned for his friends’ well being or his apartments’ was uncertain. Shizuo had just discovered something about the sly informant that nobody was ever supposed to know, and the information was rattling his perception of the creature he had once considered a parasite.  
It's always easier to think of people you don't like as being inhuman. It makes it easier to hate them fully and without empathy. But what happens if you see something in them that is undeniably human? Then you are left with no excuses. This is what Shizuo was facing now. The flea he had wanted to squash for years had looked so vulnerable- just for a moment, just long enough for Shizuo to see it for what it was, before Izaya had buried it again.  
Buried his feelings under that despicable, dispassionate smirk.  
“How long?” Shizuo stopped pacing, finally. “Shinra, how long has he been trying to die like that?”  
Shinra was contemplative. “Shizuo, how would you feel if someone you hated got information like that from me? I'm fully aware I'm not a very good friend, but I'm the best thing Izaya has. This is like bottom line friend requirements right here.”  
“I don't care.”  
“Well maybe you should. And anyway, I do. Besides, even if he weren't my friend, he's still my patient and I am a doctor.”  
Shizuo glared at Shinra for a moment, but understood where the man was coming from. That doesn't mean he would drop it though.  
“When I first saw the blood I thought someone other than me had gotten to him.”  
“That makes sense,” Shinra agreed, “after all, he has plenty of enemies.”  
“I pulled up his sleeves.” Shinra didn't respond, so after a moment Shizuo expanded on his statement. “Shinra, I saw a lot of scars there, under the blood.”  
Despite being an underground doctor, Shinra still seemed to take his doctor-patient confidentiality seriously, or maybe he actually cared about the friendship he held with the flea. Either way, Shinra did not answer- he didn't even react in the slightest. Shizuo filled the silence himself.  
“I know your handiwork. You've been a patching him up… hell, probably more than you patch me up, and I guess for just as long. What the hell is that guy's problem? He's constantly fucking with the city, with my friends, with me… what the hell.” Shizuo started pacing again. “If he weren't so abrasive he might actually be able to make friends-”  
Shizuo stopped pacing when he heard a muffled sound. He couldn't tell if it was a laugh or a cough, but Shizuo had a suspicion it was the former.  
“Huh!?” He asked Shinra, a bit more threateningly than he meant to. Shinra didn't seem threatened though, he hardly ever did.  
“Shizuo,” Shinra clarified with a smile, “if you weren't so temperamental…” Shizuo sighed into his hand as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Shinra had no need to finish his sentence.  
He started pacing again.  
A few minutes passed, silent but for the steady _step, step, step, turn_ of Shizuo's pacing, until the soft clicking of a door opening and closing alerted Shinra to Celty’s return. He immediately sprang up, knocking over himself and a chair in the process, and tumble-ran to the entryway where he flung his arms wide and launched himself into an energetic hug, all the while calling out in his enthusiasm.  
“OhCeltyyourehomeImissedyousomuuuch!!! HowwasyourdayIhopeitwasnttoohard wasthejobokayitwasntdangerouswasit? Celty Celty Celty! I missed you soo muuuch!!!” Shizuo grinned to himself, out of sight of Shinra by now but all too familiar with the scene. Shinra is surely hanging off of Celty as if he's afraid he'll never see her again, and Celty is typing out assurances on her PDA as she carefully extricates herself from her lover. Shizuo grinned to himself, happy for his friends.  
_Maybe Shinra is right,_ Shizuo thought. _Maybe he just hadn't given Izaya the chance he deserved._


	5. Another Brick Laid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya reacts

Izaya was still bothered by the events of earlier in the night. He didn't like that anyone knew, let alone that monster, and to make it worse Izaya had no way of stopping Shizuo from spreading the information. Shinra has known for a long time, but Izaya's relationship with Shinra had _rules,_ so it always made sense even when Shinra didn't. Shinra wouldn't tell anyone unnecessarily, and he had yet to find it necessary to do so.  
_Of all the people to find out._  
With the way things were now, Izaya had no clue how things were going to turn out. Shizuo was the one piece on Izaya's board that he couldn't predict, and now Shizuo had an annoyingly personal scrap of knowledge on his side. Izaya felt trapped.  
But Izaya doesn't wallow. He works.  
Within minutes, he had a team tailing Shizuo from a safe distance, and was ready to reach out to some hit men he knew if it ends up that Shizuo needs to disappear. Even Shizuo, surely, couldn't survive a 0.458 caliber bullet to the head, or a direct hit with a rocket propelled grenade. Hitmen with heavy weaponry are difficult to find and even more difficult to pay in this country, so as appealing a thought as that was it's still a last resort. Once he was receiving updates about Shizuo every ten minutes, Izaya tried to focus himself elsewhere.


	6. Impact Pending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shizuo Contemplates

It's hard to hate someone who you know is suffering.  
“Shit,” Shizuo grumbled, “shit, shit, shit, shit!”  
He had gone from pacing at Shinra's to pacing on the street, then he started walking and found himself halfway to Izaya's nearest apartment before he realised where he was going. Now he was pacing again, just outside of Otome-yama park.  
“He… Heiwajima-san?” A familiar looking girl in a Riara inform was approaching Shizuo with a concerned look on her face. He stared at her for a minute, trying desperately to remember her name.  
“...uh…”  
“Oh, I'm sorry!” the girl adjusted her glasses and bowed slightly. “I’m Anri Sonohara. Please, call me Anri.”  
“Don't worry about it Anri, I'm the one who forgot your name. Sorry about that.” Shizuo scratched his head. “So, can I help you with something?”  
“Ah, well,” the girl fidgeted, “I just… you looked troubled,” A light blush worked its way up her face, “and I mean, not to say I'd be of any help, and your problems aren't my business, I mean, unless you want them to be, but if I could help, I'd, um, I'd like…” her embarrassed mumbling trailed off.  
“You know, maybe you're just who I need to talk to right now, Anri. And call me Shizuo.”  
She looked up at him, surprised.  
“I mean, someone who doesn't know the person I'm frustrated about. A third party, as it were.”  
“Okay,” Anri said, eager to lend her ear, especially if it meant forgetting her own worries for just a short moment. Little did she know, of course, her worries were being instigated by the same information broker who was troubling Shizuo.  
They found a quiet bench to sit on as the night deepened. They sat in silence for a moment and watched the moths fluttering around the streetlight above them.  
“... So,” Shizuo began, “there's this person. Someone who everyone seems to hate. I didn't like them either, just on reputation.” Shizuo played it as though he didn't know the mystery figure personally, his own grudge with Izaya being far too well known. “And it's a reputation that was earned, they are definitely a bad person, but then I learned something new about them.”  
“Something that made you question your judgement of them?”  
“Yeah. Something super personal that they didn't want anyone to know.” Shizuo thought silently for a moment. How much could he tell her?  
“I… I found out that they are suicidal. They're hated by so many people it hadn't occurred to me that they didn't _have_ anyone.”  
Anri’s eyes widened, but she didn't say anything.  
“I mean… I always thought that whatever harm came to them was their own fault, that they would deserve it, but…” Shizuo frowned, “They don't deserve it. Nobody deserves to feel like their life is that worthless, not even someone that vile.”  
Anri was quiet for a moment, deep in thought. Finally, she spoke:  
“Shizuo… is this perhaps a chicken egg problem?”  
“Huh?”  
“Well, imagine you don't have anyone as a kid, or if you do have people they end up hurting you or leaving you. I can imagine it might be painful to interact with people who pretend to care or who push you away. So you start pushing them away first.”  
Shizuo’s gut sank as he realised where this was going.  
“If this person is as mean as they sound, perhaps it's just a defense mechanism? Maybe they're so scared of being hurt, that they hurt everyone else first. This way they stay alone, but don't have to suffer.”  
Shizuo sighed heavily.  
“I think you just hit the nail on the head, Anri.”  
She smiled sheepishly and continued.  
“I'd say, their past and their problems will never excuse anything that they do, but with understanding perhaps they can heal. And if they do that, hopefully, they'll stop doing these bad things that make them so hated.”  
“You know, you might just be the smartest kid I've met,” Shizuo smiled and patted the young woman gently.  
“I'm glad I could help.”  
Shizuo was amazed by her. So smart, so kind, and so _genuine_ that it's hard to believe.  
“Hey, you ever need my help, give me a call. You got a phone?”  
He gave her his number, hoping she never really needed to use it, but that he could somehow pay her back for her kindness.  
Shizuo thought deeply as he walked. He thought about the flea, who he was, where he came from, and what must have happened to him to make him the way he is. Shizuo winced as he thought about that name.  
Flea.  
Calling him less-than, subhuman. How many times has he told Izaya, outright, that he should just die? How often has Shizuo said those words, meaning them in the moment, but…  
but not like that.  
_Never_ like that.

Shizuo took his time walking to the apartment, and considered turning around and coming back the next day, but something inside Shizuo was nagging at him. Something about seeing Izaya this night felt important, so he kept going. He reached the building, and took the stairs just to give him that little bit of extra time to think. He reached the correct floor, and opened the door into the hallway.  
Then, Shizuo saw blood.  
A thin trail of blood was stretched across the tiling, between the elevator and Izaya's door. Shizuo's gut lurched.  
His body started acting on its own, out of pure panic, as he kicked in the wooden door and rushed in. He froze at the sight in the main room. The whole apartment was deathly silent as he took it in. The whole floor was covered in blood splatters, and there were bloody fingerprints on a nearby door, which stood open.  
Shizuo ran forward, silently praying he wasn't too late.


	7. Something Silent Shatters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya's pov- earlier that night  
> Violence.

Izaya was surprised when he woke up, because he hadn't expected to actually fall asleep. There was a heavy banging on the door as he roused himself, peeling a piece of paper from his cheek and dropping it back into his desk.  
His computers steady blue-white screen was the only source of light in the room, showing him a half-typed email regarding the Yakuza. He skimmed it quickly, then saved it to his drafts to send after he dealt with whoever this late-night-caller was. The pounding was just getting more insistent, but Izaya ignored it a few moments longer. He saved all his open documents, closed them, and locked his screen before finally getting up. He checked the mirror in the hall long his way to answer the door, to ensure he looked decent. He was, considering. It was just the typical appearance of a guy who just woke up.

The moment he unlocked the door, four familiar looking guys barreled in. Damn thugs. Hanzai, Muhō, jingai, and Akutō. Izaya heard the sound of the gunshot before he felt it. The small caliber bullet had pierced his abdomen, but went straight through to the other side. It hadn't hit anything major, as it was far to his left side, but it still hurt. Izaya gritted his teeth, and roundhouse kicked Hanzai, the man holding the gun.  
_Fuck this._  
The pain registered just as the brute was slammed backwards into the door frame. Izaya involuntarily doubled over and gasped in pain, glad at least to see that Hanzai was down for the count. He was just about to lift himself back up to face the other three, but was not given the chance. Muhō was the biggest of them, a square jawed man with a brawlers build. Muhō threw a damn good punch, a square hit to Izaya's already injured side and with enough force to push him back into the apartment. Apparently ignoring the gun, the three men pushed in and encircled Izaya menacingly. Muhō went to hit Izaya again, and this time he blocked the attack with his forearm. Izaya grimaced at the impact, but Muhō was surprised- it seems he’d never encountered a trained fighter before. Izaya took advantage of that and darted in close, jabbing at his throat with a pointed hand. His eyes went wide as he started gasping for air. He’d struggle to breath for a bit until the effects of the strike wear off, or until he collapses, but for the time he’d be distracted. Jingai went to hit Izaya too, throwing a punch at Izaya's face, but that was easily dodged. However, as he went in, Izaya failed to notice Akutō darting behind him, grabbing a chair. Izaya ducked under the outstretched arm and shot his open palm up into Jingai’s chin. His eyes crossed, and he started to teeter on his feet as Izaya skipped back a step. As the man started to fall, Izaya received a powerful blow to his back. Splinters of wood flew past as his breath was knocked from him, and he staggered forward. Jingai hit the ground, Muhō was gasping for breath, and Izaya wheeled on the last man standing. Holding the broken legs of the chair he’d just smashed, Akutō rushed in and attempted to stab Izaya with the sharp wood. Izaya skipped to the side, allowing Akutō's momentum to carry him forward, and over Izaya's stuck out leg. Akutō ended up hopping pathetically on one foot for a few feet. He came at Izaya again, this time dodging a little bit first and keeping his gravity centered. He’s by no means a good fighter, but he must have at some point taken a lesson or two. Izaya ducked in and grabbed the man's right forearm with his left, and with Izaya’s right pointer knuckle extended, he jabbed Akutō's shoulder. Hard.  
The man gasped in pain, and his arm went slack. The shard of chair dropped to the tile floor with a clatter, and as Izaya released the arm his body went slack with it. He was by no means immobilized- this was a conscious choice. Akutō was giving up.  
Izaya took a deep breath, relieved the fight was over so quickly, and walked over to disarm the unconscious man by the door. Using a tissue to avoid direct contact with the gun, he emptied the ammo into a pocket and hurried to his desk to stuff the weapon into a drawer. He locked the drawer, stood, turned, and was hit. The blow that knocked Izaya back was a lot harder than he'd thought Muhō could hit, and Izaya felt a rib echo in pain. It must have fractured. As Izaya staggered back and reached under his shirt to feel the developing bruise, Izaya caught sight of metal.  
_Of_ course _he brought brass knuckles._  
Izaya glanced over to check on the other three. Akutō was watching, wide eyed, but not moving to help. The other two were still out cold.  
Izaya refocused on the fight at hand, and just in time. Muhō was lunging forward, and Izaya narrowly managed to dodge to the side. The punch missed, but Muhō threw out his other arm and turned his lunge into a tackle. Izaya went down hard. He hit his head on the floor, and stayed there.  
Muhō got up quickly, but Izaya's vision was getting blurry and he felt dazed. He was quickly snapped back into focus when the dumb brute stepped on his fingers. It might not have even been intentional on his part, but he’s heavy enough that Izaya felt something snap. He gasped in pain, again, and his eyes focused in time to see the heel of the other shoe come down on Izaya's arm. It hurt, but didn't cause any serious damage to Izaya's body. In response, Izaya managed to leverage his body enough that he could twist out from underneath the brute, forcing the attacker to lose his balance. He stumbled, but managed to break another finger before going down. Izaya was moving in a heartbeat though, and spun up into a jumping kick to land, with force, on the downed brutes chest. He coughed and sputtered for a moment, before Izaya ripped the metal knuckles from the man's fingers, taking more than a little skin with it. Izaya donned the knuckles on the hand without broken fingers, and mercilessly punched the guys lights out.  
Izaya staggered backa step, and sank down to lean against the cold metal of his desk. He took a moment to admire the mess that was his apartment.  
Three unconscious men and one cowering, a floor covered in scuff marks and blood, and no easy way to clean it up.  
“Hey, you.” He addressed Akutō. “Collect these sorry asses and keep them out of my apartment. You know I could kill you if I wanted, but I don't, so you'll do this and then leave. Our score is settled.”  
He nodded vigorously, seeming to be mute, and started dragging the nearest limp form towards the door.

Izaya got up, and stumbled into the kitchen. With his broken fingers, it was a difficult task trying to get out a bandage and gauze from the first aid kit under the sink. He hastily shoved some gauze under his shirt to try to stop the bleeding from the bullet wound, then watched as each of the men were dragged out into the hall. Once his apartment was secure from further attack, he went back to the kitchen and started bracing his fingers with popsicle sticks and bandages. It was then that he heard heavy footsteps, ones that definitely didn't belong to any of the people he'd just dealt with. They were on the stairs outside his apartment, and Izaya had maybe ten seconds before whoever it was reached the door. Izaya dropped the box of medical supplies and grabbed one of the kitchen knives from their holder, feeling cornered despite still having a door between him and who ever this was. He couldn't see the door from the kitchen, but he heard clearly when the footsteps stopped outside. Then, the air was filled with the sounds of spitting wood as the door was forced ajar. Izaya held the knife a little more tightly, a little more defensively, as he listened to the footsteps enter his apartment.  
Then, Izaya heard the footsteps falter, as if unsure of whether to continue. They were probably seeing the leftovers of the fight- was this a buddy of the other three? Someone who had somehow been informed of my weakened state and wanted to take advantage of it? Or-  
The footsteps suddenly picked up speed, dashing over to the kitchen, rushing around the corner and then freezing.  
“Shi- Shizu-chan!?”


	8. Impact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue. The sledgehammer is introduced to a crumbling facade.  
> Shizuo's pov again

He sprinted around the corner, expecting to find a dying or dead flea. Well, he did find a flea. At least that much was right.  
“What the hell happened to you?”  
“What the hell does it look like?”  
“It looks like you got hit by a car.”  
“No, just some thugs who should’ve known better.”  
“You’re telling me a few thugs managed to land that many hits on you? Where are their bodies?”  
“I didn’t kill them. Hell, you probably passed them on your way up here.”  
Shizuo stood in silence for a moment.  
Izaya was trying, he really was, to look like he could still be a threat to Shizuo.  
“Hey…” Shizuo started to move forward, but Izaya's knife was up again in a flash.  
“Yeah that's far enough. You can go back to wherever you came from. This is my home, get out.”  
“...at least let me call Shinra for you.”  
“And why the hell would you do that? I don’t need him anyway.” Izaya had none of his usual demeanor about him. He wasn’t acting sly at all, just annoyed, maybe even scared. “Just get out, and shut the door behind you.”  
“You’re kidding, right? I can see three broken fingers from here, and my bet is you have a concussion.”  
“What makes you think that?” He asked, skeptically.  
“I think that because you're gripping the counter as if your life depends on it, and even with that support you're swaying like you think you’re on the high seas.”  
Izaya didn’t respond to that one, but he did shift his grip on the counter.  
“...Just let me get you bandaged properly, okay? I promise not to kill you.”  
Izaya just stood there, staring at him. Shizuo hadn’t a clue what he was thinking. That is until, after a long silence, he groaned and dropped to the floor. The knife clattered on the tiles and he rolled his head back in defeat.  
“If you’d wanted to kill me, that knife probably wouldn’t have done shit.”  
“Great. Now take your shirt off.” Shizuo came forward, trying to find the source of the bleeding.  
“Shouldn’t you get me dinner first?”  
“Very funny.”  
Shizuo had expected him to not have an issue with it, but he actually did seem really nervous about removing his shirt.  
“Does it hurt?”  
“No it’s sunshine and roses. Yes it fucking hurts.”  
“Let me cut the shirt off then?” He was still hesitant, and Shizuo just didn’t understand why, unless…  
“Izaya, are you _shy_?”  
“Shut up.”  
“Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just surprised.” Although he didn’t seem embarrassed at all. If anything he looked just really _really_ annoyed. “Yeah, despite whatever that is, I can see the blood through your shirt. Please let me take it off.”  
“...Fine. Do whatever you want.”  
Shizuo hated that Izaya was so clearly against it, but the injured informant really couldn’t afford to lose any more blood. He picked up the knife that had been dropped, and carefully cut away the thin cloth, despite Izaya’s obvious discomfort with the situation. Shizuo didn’t comment, and tried not to react when he saw why Izaya was uncomfortable.  
His chest was patterned with several deep scars.They were all very old, but unlike the ones on his arms they did not look self inflicted. Focusing on the task at hand, Shizuo quietly accessed what appeared to be a bullet wound, then the outline of what had obviously been brass knuckles on his ribs. Izaya flinched silently at every touch, and Shizuo muttered under his breath.  
“Bastards.”  
“Nothing serious was hit, it went right through and it was a small caliber. If the bleeding is stopped, it should be fine with just a few stitches.”  
Shizuo hadn't done that before, but had watched Shinra plenty of times and carefully followed Izaya's instructions. He sanitized the needle and got surgical thread from the medical kit, and after cleaning the wound as best he could began sewing it shut. Izaya couldn't stop his body from flinching at the pain, but he never once cried out.  
Once Shizuo was done, he stood up and got an ice pack from the freezer. He cleaned the small cut from the brass knuckles and sealed it with a large band-aid, and after wrapping the ice pack in a towel had Izaya hold it to the worst of his ribs.  
“Does it hurt to breath?”  
“Yeah, but it’s not too bad. I wont get pneumonia if that’s what you’re worried about.”  
“If you say so.”  
“I do.”  
Shizuo then helped brace Izaya's fingers, then stood up and started packing up the supplies that had been scattered.  
“Can you walk?” Shizuo asked afterwards.  
“I think I’m fine here, thanks.”  
“...really. You’re going to sleep on your kitchen floor?”  
“What do you care?”  
“I care.” Izaya had been watching Shizuo intently through everything, ever suspicious, with fear in his eyes.  
“So you go from trying to kill me to trying to save me, just like that? Thanks for the concern but I don't want a monsters’ pity.” He sounded angry, but not the hot anger Shizuo was used to. It was the kind of angry that freezes ice in your veins. “And I sure as hell don't want you in my home. Thanks for helping me, your good samaritan status has been confirmed, you're done now. Time to get out.”  
“... Fine, I'll leave, but let me correct you first. This isn't pity. It's just common human decency.”  
“If that's so, then where was it three days past, when you chucked a street lamp at my head?”  
Shizuo sighed heavily.  
Honesty. That's what is needed. Shizuo knew this, as difficult as it was to face, so he was honest.  
“Yeah… sorry. I hadn't really considered you human three days ago.”  
Izaya's eyes widened, fear replaced for just a moment with shock.  
“You…”  
“Well I mean I knew you were human, obviously, but like- the things you did, the way you acted, it was easy to think that you didn't have emotions, that you didn't have a heart.”  
“... And now I do?”  
“Only people who are feeling immense pain try to do that.” Shizuo gestured to his arms. Without thought, Izaya’s hand rested on his arm and his thumb started stroking the fresh scabs.  
“Stop that.”  
“Huh? Oh.”  
“Okay, so will you let me help you to bed now?”  
“...fine.”  
Shizuo pulled Izaya's arm around his shoulder and heaved the informant up. Izaya gasped as he stood, and Shizuo froze at the sound.  
“I'm fine, I'm fine…” he mumbled, but the blood had drained from Izaya's face, and he looked about to faint.  
“... I'm sorry for this.” Shizuo said quietly, as he twisted around and scooped up Izaya's legs, and carried him the rest of the way to the bed. Izaya gripped Shizuo's shirt with his hands as he was carried, but, unexpectedly, he did not protest. That probably had more to do with his ability to speak than actual consent, though.  
Shizuo put him down carefully, but even so felt Izaya flinch with each awkward movement. When Shizuo finally let go, Izaya practically melted into the bed.  
He was already asleep by the time the blond left the room.


	9. Dream Sequence 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya's pov

_My body was shaking._  
_I remember this._  
_I was shaking._  
_Crying._  
_I was crying._  
_I was quiet, though. I had to be_.  
_I didn't make any noise._  
_I was quiet, but_  
He _found me anyway._  
_So I cried_  
_And then I screamed_.


	10. Opening a Long Shut Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shizuo pov

While Izaya slept, Shizuo went to raid his fridge.  
It was empty, just about. The freezer was not much better, so he checked the pantry.  
In his whole kitchen, he had three boxes of cereal, one frozen dinner, a few unfinished takeout containers, a rotten apple, a quarter gallon of horribly sour milk, two bottles of wine and a half of a bottle of vodka.  
_What the hell,_ Shizuo thought, _even I'm doing better than this and my place is the definition of a bachelor pad._  
It was then that Shizuo noticed that apartment felt wrong. It felt sterile, unlived in.  
For the first time, he noticed the lack of personal effects. He's been to Izaya's other apartments before, albeit with the intent to destroy, but he recalled now that they were the same. No pictures. No personal touches. Izaya had sisters, but you wouldn't guess so from his living space.  
Shizuo went back to watch over the sleeping Izaya, and wondered about what sort if a man he really was. He noticed then that the high and mighty Izaya, this self proclaimed god among men… was drooling.  
He chuckled quietly to himself, but even that little noise affected Izaya. His pupils started darting about under his lids, and every now and again his fingers or something would twitch, just a little.  
He must be dreaming.  
Shizuo hoped it was something nice.  
He watched Izaya sleep for a minute, but something was pulling on his mind. He couldn't quite put his finger on what- there were too many questions right now.  
He needed a smoke.


	11. Dream sequence 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya's pov- dreaming

_I was so small_  
_And so weak_  
_And so worthless._  
He _liked to watch me cry._  
_But_ He _liked to hear me scream_  
_More._  
_So I cried_  
_And then I screamed_  
_And from the corner of my eye_  
_A blade._  
_Cold steel._  
_Run whispered my mind_  
_Run screamed my body_  
_But I was nothing_  
_I_ am _nothing_  
_And nothing bleeds_  
_Like me_  
_So I screamed_  
_And then I bled for_ Him.


	12. Blink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shizuo's pov

Shizuo closed the door behind him and went down to the ground floor. Izaya would probably sleep for a while, so he went for a walk to clear his head as he lit a cigarette.  
It would normally have helped him think through recent events, but he had hardly walked a block when he saw a group of fairly rough looking guys leaning against the wall of a convenience store, and one of them was yelling.  
“Why the hell did you give up!?” He shouted, “we could have killed that damn broker!”  
_Screw nerves,_ Shizuo thought, snapping his cigarette in half.  
_Screw thinking,_  
I want to kill them.  
He ground the cigarette into the pavement with his toe.


	13. Dream sequence 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya. Dreaming.

_I am Nothing_   
_Because Nothing doesn't feel pain_   
_I am Nothing_   
_Because Nothing can't break_   
_I am Nothing_   
_Because Nothing doesn't bleed_   
_I am Nothing_   
_Because I can survive as Nothing_   
_I can become anyone I need to be_   
_I can do anything I have to do_   
_I am Nothing_

_But nothing bleeds like me,_ He _said_.  
 _So I was_ His _nothing_  
 _And no matter what I did_  
 _How good I was_  
 _Or how far I ran_  
 _I was_ His  
He _had left_ His _marks_  
 _Carved into my flesh and skin_  
 _With a hundred knives_  
 _On a hundred nights_  
 _Just like that one_  
 _So I cried_  
 _I screamed_  
 _And I bled for_ Him.  
 _And I_

 

 

 

 

I Stayed.


	14. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya wakes up and pushes back.

Izaya woke up to the soft but distinct sound of his apartment door closing. Out of his west facing window, he could see the blocky shadow of the skyline mirrored on a line of windows.  
Sunrise.  
Without moving, Izaya noticed he felt different. Not just him, the apartment itself felt different. It smelled weird.  
Nice, though.  
The sound of running water came from the kitchen. Someone was using the sink.  
_Ah._  
Izaya realized what the smell was.  
Cigarettes and steel.  
_Shizu-chan._  
Izaya's emotions were a mess. Normally, it doesn't matter what he's feeling because he buries his happiness just as thoroughly as he buries sadness and pain. But this morning Izaya felt raw.  
Nothing was buried, and Izaya had gone from feeling almost nothing to feeling everything. Pain and fear, yes, but also hope. Hope was the worst of them all, for Izaya.  
He held his breath and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to control his mind the way he controls the rest of his life. Izaya had felt hope before, but between hope and pain, if he could choose he would always choose to feel pain. At least with pain, you know what you're getting, you’re not taken by surprise.  
But with hope, no matter how many times you're hurt, hope always makes you think _this_ time, just this _once,_ things will be different.  
But it never was.  
Not for Izaya.  
So Izaya swallowed his fear and rejected his hope, and moved from his bed determined to be the same Izaya today that he was three days ago.  
Physical pain shot through him with every movement, but Izaya was glad for it. He felt focused, despite the haze that covered his vision when he tried to get up too quickly.  
He moved slowly and deliberately, leaning against the wall for support until he reached the bedroom door. Then he stood up straight, determined to look stronger than he was, and stepped into the next room.  
He managed to somehow look casual when Shizuo finished washing his hands and turned around.  
Izaya's gut clenched when they made eye contact.  
“Izaya? Should you be out of bed so soon?”  
Izaya was disgusted to hear concern in the voice of this monster. Shizuo's face looked like he actually cared, but Izaya knew it must be some kind of trick. He didn't understand it, when Shizuo could have ended Izaya himself so many times, or simply let him die, but that didn't change Izaya's mind.  
Monsters are monsters, even when they pretend otherwise.  
“Shizu-chan, don't you think it's time to drop the act?” Izaya's smirk was back, and his tone of voice felt greasy. Shizuo frowned.  
“Izaya, this isn't an act. I haven't been nice to you, so you weren't nice back. I figured it was about time someone gave you a second chance.”  
Izaya's smirk faltered for a split second, but his eyes never lost that burning hatred.  
“A second chance? Ne, and what is this second chance supposed to be for? I've lived my life how I wanted to, never any other way.” Izaya carefully watched Shizuo's expression as he spoke. “Who are you to think my story needs rewriting, Shizu-chan? Why don't you go back to behaving the way you are supposed to. Go back to acting like the mindless beast you know you are. I think the whole city would feel better, don't you?”  
Shizuo clenched his fists, remembering just earlier that day when he sent four already injured men flying through the sky of Shinjuku. He held his tongue and his fists in check, but Shizuo's heart is far more fragile than anyone would guess. Izaya's words were hitting home for something Shizuo had hated about himself through his whole life.  
“Go back to Ikebukuro. You can pretend to be human there, Shizu-chan. Just don't lie about that here and expect me to believe you're something other than you are.”  
Shizuo stared at his feet, trying to find the words to express the whirlwind in his mind.  
“Izaya…”  
Izaya said nothing, but watched as Shizuo floundered for words.  
“So, let's assume I'm not human. Let's assume I'm just a creature whose sole purpose is destruction. I don't want to be that. I'm not lying when I act human because even if I'm a monster, I can still think and feel like a human. I don't want to destroy things; I don't want to be angry all the time. If I said I weren't angry right now I'd be lying, but the difference is where I don't want to be angry. If I don't _behave_ like I'm angry then I don't consider that lying, it's just me choosing to not be a monster.”  
There was a long silence between the two. Shizuo didn't look at Izaya, and that was for the best. Izaya's face was contorted through pain and anger and disgust that he was unable to mask.  
After Izaya tried and failed to smooth his expression back into his trademark smirk, he gave up. He turned around and went right back to his room- and on his way, he didn't care how childish it seemed, he couldn't help but slam the door. Shizuo was left confused at the interaction, but Izaya was troubled by it. Ignoring his bed, Izaya slid down the closed door, and rested his head on his knees.  
He stayed there for a long time.


	15. Conversation Breaking Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something breaks  
> And maybe, in time, something heals.

“Izaya.”  
Izaya ignored him.  
“Izaya it's been over an hour.”  
Izaya ignored him.  
“Izaya I made breakfast.”  
Izaya ignored him.  
Izaya's stomach growled.  
With a sigh, he started to move. His muscles we're not happy to have been sitting like that for so long, but his injuries were even worse. Nothing had started bleeding again, at least. He moved slowly, stretching a limb and ensuring it was functioning properly before putting any weight on it. He had stood halfway up, when he heard the door start to open behind him.  
“Izay-” Shizuo started to say, when the door pushed against a precariously balanced information broker.  
Not bothering to catch himself, Izaya went forward and rolled, slowing his momentum and stopping on his knees.  
“Oh sorry! Are you okay?” Shizuo stepped in sideways, holding a plate of food in one hand and reaching to help Izaya up with his other.  
Izaya batted his hand aside, glancing up at Shizuo hatefully.  
He wasn't mad about being knocked over, not really. They both knew that, but neither knew how to move past this invisible barrier.  
“I'm fine. What the hell do you want?”  
“I… you should eat, Izaya. You've lost a lot of blood in the past few days, I'd be surprised if you weren't anemic.” Shizuo went to the bed and put the plate down on the table next to it. Izaya stood up slowly, watching cautiously as Shizuo excused himself and closed the door behind him.  
It smelled good.  
Izaya went over to inspect the omelette. It had sauteed mushrooms and cheddar cheese in it, and there were roasted brussel sprouts on the side.  
It smelled really good.  
It could be poisoned.  
Izaya took a bite.  
It tasted really good too.  
Izaya almost didn't notice when Shizuo knocked on the door.  
“Coffee or milk?”  
Shizuo opened the door just a little and poked his head through. He smiled when he saw Izaya was actually eating, but otherwise didn't react. He was holding a steaming mug on a saucer in one hand, and a glass of milk in the other.  
“Milk is better for you, but you seem like a coffee kind of person.”  
“Um, coffee… thanks.” he said, his words somewhat garbled by the food he was taking around.  
Izaya hated feeling so powerless, but this food was really good.  
Maybe...  
Maybe it wouldn't _actually_ kill Izaya to act human for a day.  
Shizuo brought in the coffee. Izaya couldn't help but tense up as Shizuo got closer, but he didn't react. The blond towered over him, set the cup down, and stepped back.  
“Sugar or cream?” He asked gently.  
“No… neither, thank you.” Izaya breathed.  
“Okay.” Shizuo left, and Izaya listened, reminding himself to breath as the sounds of cutlery and cookware indicated Shizuo was cleaning up the kitchen.  
Izaya ate well, but was unable to finish the meal. He lay back on his bed to digest it, sip on his coffee, and try to come to terms with his predicament. He did not like being forced into considering Shizuo a human. It felt unnatural, dangerous even, and to, in the same moment, have the monster-turned-human just a room away, acting nice, being kind… maybe it was just how Izaya had gotten used to seeing kindness, but he couldn't help but think this was either a flaw or an immense trick. Either way, Izaya had no choice in this moment. He might be able to pretend otherwise, but Izaya knew he was weak. He had no defense against Shizuo's schemes, and no way to take advantage of Shizuo's weakness, if that's even what this is. He considered getting his computer and hiring someone to serve him for a day or two until he was back at full ability, but even if he could manage to find someone trustworthy for the job, so unlikely in and of itself, there's still nobody on the planet who could move Shizuo if he didn't want to go. So Izaya was stuck.  
After a while, the sounds of water in the other room quieted, and Shizuo peeked back into Izaya's bedroom. Izaya turned his head slightly, and made eye contact out the corner of his eye.  
“...um,” the fortissimo of Ikebukuro seemed nervous, “so, are you done eating…?”  
“...Yeah, I am.”  
“Great, I'll just take that then,” Shizuo seemed oddly self conscious as he stepped in to collect Izaya's dirty dishes. He left and cleaned them up as well, then came back after a few minutes, sitting next to Izaya's bed.  
“So, Izaya… I'd like to talk.”  
“I figure I owe you that much.”  
“This isn't-” Shizuo bit his lip, “Izaya, this isn't about owing me anything, this isn't a transaction. If you don't want to talk, I'll leave, but I would like you to at least consider my question.”  
“Okay. Leave.”  
Shizuo’s eyes dulled in disappointment. He sighed, stood, and got up to leave.  
Izaya cursed himself.  
“Wait!” Izaya snapped, split seconds before the door closed. He rolled his eyes, not at Shizuo but at himself. “Ugh, don't go. What do you want to say?”  
“Well…” Shizuo came back in, “since I've known you, you've always seemed to think of me as a monster…” Shizuo leaned against the door frame as he spoke, “I never bothered to ask why. I know I've got this weird, super-human strength, but that in itself isn't especially monstrous. Weird, maybe. Scary, definitely. But monstrous?”  
Izaya didn't seem to react. His face was perfectly neutral, unreadable. The only tells, were his hands, both clenching the bedsheets with such force that his hands were white.  
“So, that being the case, why do you hate me so much? Why do you see me as a monster?”  
Shizuo felt nervous.  
Izaya closed his eyes, resting his head against the backboard. This isn't a question easily answered, for him, but he doesn't necessarily want to lie either.  
“I don't suppose you could pick another question.” Izaya monotoned.  
“I mean… I suppose I could, but-” _but I don't think you'd prefer me asking about the mirror._  
“No, no,” Izaya's interrupted. “I'll answer.”  
The information broker took a deep breath, and opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling. It wasn't that same ceiling he was seeing though. His mind was nearly two decades away.  
“I guess… the short answer, would be that you… remind me of someone. Someone who was probably far more monstrous than you, or anyone you know. Heh. Maybe even as monstrous as me.” The corner of his mouth quirked up as he spoke that last sentence.  
“... You're not monstrous, Izaya,” whispered the blond.  
Izaya's brow furrowed, as if hearing troubling news.  
“Where the hell is the line, then? Between monster and human, that someone like me can be in the same species as… say, as that girl, Anri Sonohara.” Izaya cursed himself internally, even as the words were leaving his mouth. Shizuo tensed up at the name. Izaya knew the girl outside of Shizuo, and knew what the girl was, but that didn't matter right now. Izaya hadn't said the name because he knew her. He said the name because he knew Shizuo knew her.  
Izaya put a hand over his eyes, and grunted an apology.  
“...sorry…”  
“... Anri has nothing to do with this…”  
“I know. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry.”  
There was another long silence before Shizuo spoke again.  
“So… this person I remind you of. Don't answer if you don't want, but… he hurt you, right? Is he… is he the one who gave you those scars?”  
Izaya didn't respond at first. He was frozen, his head back and his hand over his eyes.  
Finally, a broken sounding word escaped from Izaya's throat.  
“..yeah,” Izaya breathed heavily for a moment, and it was only then that Shizuo realised the iron willed information broker was crying. He disguised a small sob as a chuckle, then said “you know, I used to be scared of knives? It's the funniest thing, when you… when your life depends on your ability to use a tool that you… that you’re te-terrified of.”  
The indomitable Izaya Orihara was trembling. Shizuo, hesitantly, reached out, and placed a comforting hand on Izaya's shoulder.  
Izaya would never admit it, but in that moment he was glad Shizuo was there. He felt himself breaking a little inside, his shell cracking. Izaya cried for the first time in years, and Shizuo didn't leave until he was done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite bit of what I've written so far :P I hope you liked it too


	16. A Safe Destruction

_I don't think there's any getting my dignity back from that._  
The dark haired information broker was sitting in bed with a fresh cup of coffee, his puffy red eyes trained on his computer and trying his best to focus on his work. He cancelled a few plans, and stopped messing with Anri and what was left of the blue squares.  
 _It couldn't hurt to give Ikebukuro a quiet day or two, right? It's not like I'd be able to watch the action anyway..._  
He quickly locked his computer screen as he heard Shizuo's footsteps coming nearer.   
“Need anything?”  
“No, thanks.”  
“Okay, dinner in fifteen.” Shizuo returned to the kitchen, and the scent of garlic and chives wafted in through the newly ajar door.  
Much to Izaya's surprise, Shizuo is a damn good cook and he _enjoys_ it. Izaya barely even knows how to operate his stove, let alone… whatever it is Shizuo is doing with that skillet.  
Seriously, what _is_ he doing?  
He shook his head in confusion, and wondered vaguely why Shizuo didn't just order takeout like Izaya always does.

That question was answered fifteen minutes later, when Izaya tasted Shizuo's salmon dinner. It was… exquisite. Izaya then wondered why Shizuo eats so often at Russia Sushi, if he could dine like this every night.  
Dinner was so good, they almost didn't notice the awkward tension between them.  
Almost.  
“So…” Shizuo started, “... How's work?”  
It was a lame attempt at small talk, but Izaya humored him.  
“Pretty good. I was going to try to mess with those pricks that tried to kill me, but they seem to have disappeared. They'll show up eventually though, I'm sure.”  
Izaya misunderstood Shizuo's anxious expression.  
“Oh come on, you can't really be shocked I want to mess with the people that messed with me? It's probably the nicest thing I've done all week.”  
“No no, no it's not… it's not shock. I don't disapprove, it's just….”  
Shizuo trailed off for a moment, and looked out the window.  
“... If you want to find them, check Namazenkai.”  
It was the name of the hospital that had taken them, Shizuo knew, because Shizuo was the one who put them there.  
Izaya raised an eyebrow.  
Shizuo blushed.  
Instead of asking, Izaya pulled out his phone and got access to the medical records in that hospital for the past twenty-four hours.  
There they were. Definitely the same four people, but definitely _not_ in the state Izaya had left them in.  
“Well well, Shizu-chan…” Izaya stopped and cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the sneering attitude he always had. “Ahem… I, uh… I guess I really didn't expect that.”   
“You didn't expect that I would lose my temper? My anger is probably the most consistent thing about me, outside of my wardrobe.”  
Izaya was quite for a moment, playing with his food.  
“I didn't expect you would lose your temper… for me.”  
Shizuo didn't seem to know how to respond to that, and Izaya was glad of it. He didn't want Shizuo to respond to that.


	17. Distance can be Destructive

Izaya spent that night trying to, internally, come to terms with how his life has changed in the past couple days. He is no longer the untouchable god of Ikebukuro. He has… he hates to admit it but, he has a _friend_ in Shizuo. It's an awkward thing for sure, but it's definitely there.  
It's more than Izaya has with Shinra, who only became friends with him because that's what he thought he ‘should’ do.  
It's more than Izaya has had with anyone.  
It's more than Izaya knows what to do with. But the thing is, it's also more than Izaya ever wanted.  
Things are safe when nobody cares about you. If Izaya pulled something that rubbed someone bad the wrong way, Izaya could die. Two days ago, the only people at his funeral would be at most his sisters, and maybe Shinra: none of whom actually cared about Izaya.  
Izaya is paralyzed with fear of that changing.  
Izaya had spent his whole life believing he is nothing, and is worthy of nothing, and will be remembered as nothing. As much as he wants that to change, a larger part of him is still clinging to the safety of being nothing. Nothing doesn't hurt, it doesn't feel pain or pleasure, it isn't anything.   
He hated it. Izaya resolved to separate himself from Shizuo, before things got worse. Before he actually started _liking_ the monster-turned-man.   
Shizuo, of course, did not understand this of Izaya. Shizuo was afraid he had forced Izaya to reveal more about his mind, about his life than Izaya was comfortable with. He didn't necessarily want to backtrack, but he wanted to try to be more considerate of Izaya's wishes going forward. He figured a good place to start would be by going back to his own apartment for a bit.   
“Hey, Izaya.” Shizuo inquired, early the next morning after making a rich breakfast. Izaya looked up from his computer, giving Shizuo his attention.  
“I was thinking of going back to my place. I don't want to impose- I never actually asked your permission to stay here in the first place. If it's alright though, I'll stop by tomorrow?”  
“Sure. I'll have a new door by then, so please don't kick it in.”  
Shizuo blushed in embarrassment, but recovered quickly enough to slide in an attempt at a joke.   
“No promises!” Shizuo chuckled.  
Izaya smiled thinly. It wasn't a smirk, but it wasn't quite genuine, either.


	18. Seeing Blue

Shizuo couldn't stop thinking about Izaya on his way home. He's so… different, now. He has likes and dislikes, fears, dreams… he's not pretending to be some untouchable god anymore. He's mortal.  
Human.   
It’s not like him. It feels weird but, it's also nice to not feel that absurd hatred for him. Shizuo never realized how much energy he was spending on Izaya just by hating him.  
He's so wrapped up in thought that he doesn't notice the police car out in front of his apartment until he is practically on top of it.  
He looks up only when his path is blocked by a man in uniform. The man grins half-heartedly, and waves pathetically at Shizuo.  
“Hello, uh, Heiwajima?” As if he didn't know for sure.  
“Huh?”  
“...sorry, but I'm going to need you to come with us.”  
Shizuo has a lot of respect for police, even when they do harass his friends. This policeman was obviously nervous talking to Shizuo, so clearly knew Shizuo's reputation. Shizuo had to respect his bravery, even if it was extremely inconvenient. ...Meanwhile, his partner was in the squad car, slouched down as though trying to hide. Shizuo sighed.  
“So, what's this about, then?”   
He asked, walking over to the car.  
“Oh, uh,” The policeman seemed surprised that Shizuo was cooperating. Actually, the cop was surprised to not be flying throughout the air with a concussion.   
“Well… there's been a complaint.”


	19. Boredom (1)

Izaya didn't know what to do with himself after Shizuo left. He spent most of his time trying to wrap up his latest deal with the Awakusu group, but once that was done… he had nothing. Izaya doesn't _do_ free time. He's never wanted to, never let himself have a down moment. He dislikes music, but abhors silence. Normally he would go make trouble somewhere but… that was not something he wanted to do right now. If he were honest with himself he would realize it's because he's trying to be considerate of Shizuo's feelings, and knows Shizuo dislikes when Izaya causes trouble. However, Izaya is not being honest with himself, so he merely _doesn't feel like it._  
Which left Izaya in a pickle.  
It's only three in the afternoon,  
And Izaya was bored.  
He's not really _been_ bored before. The moment he finds something to be mundane, he fixes that by making trouble.  
He limped into his living room after spending way too long starting at the ceiling in his bedroom, opened up the group chat on one of his computers.


	20. Boredom (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this set up to be color coded and everything, forgetting that ao3... Doesn't exactly do that. Anyway I hope it's legible.

– [Kanra] Joined the Chat –

[Setton] ~ hey Kanra,  
[Mai] ~ Welcome!!!! What's up?  
[Kyo] ~ hello.  
[Kanra] ~ Hey there, long time no chat.  
[Mai] ~ Long time!?  
[Mai] ~ What are you talking about?  
[Mai] ~ It's been two days!!  
[Kanra] ~ It feels like longer, I guess.  
[Setton] ~ did something happen?  
– [Bakyura] Joined the Chat –  
[Kanra] ~ yeah. Been a long couple days.  
[Kyo] ~ hello Bakyura  
[Bakyura] ~ hey heyy heeeeyyyyyy!!!!!!!  
[Bakyura] ~ oh, what's this?  
[Bakyura] ~ Kanra, struggling??  
[Bakyura] ~ Damn! I'm sorry  
[Bakyura] ~ Sorry I wasn't there!!!!  
[Mai] ~ Ouch!!  
[Kyo] ~ that's mean  
[Kanra] ~ figured you'd show up for that  
[Mai] ~ he might deserve it but still…!  
[Bakyura] ~ I'm kidding,  
[Bakyura] ~ kidding!  
[Kanra] ~ et tu Mai-chan?  
[Mai] ~ ヽ( ᗒ︵ᗕ ) ノ  
[Mai] ~ c’mon you know I'm right  
– [Setton] Left the Chat –  
[Kanra] ~ hey you scared them off!!  
[Bakyura] ~ who, me?  
[Kyo] ~ yes.  
[Mai] ~ It's all your fault Bakyura!!!  
[Mai] ~ Apologize!!!!!  
[Bakyura] ~ what?  
[Mai] ~ now!!!  
[Bakyura] ~ How?  
[Bakyura] ~ Setton LEFT!!!  
[Mai] ~ not my problem  
– [Saika] Joined the Chat –  
[Bakyura] ~ aaaaaarghh!  
[Mai] ~ (ﾉ≧ڡ≦)  
[Mai] ~ hey there, Saika!  
[Kanra] ~ welcome to the Blame Each Other chat room!  
[Saika] ~ Thanks! Oh, blame each other chat? That... doesn't sound fun.  
[Bakyura] ~ truce?  
[Kanra] ~ even with me?  
[Bakyura] ~ …  
[Saika] ~ it's been so peaceful in the city these last few days, let's all just get along?  
[Bakyura] ~ hmph  
[Bakyura] ~ fine.  
[Kanra] ~ what really?  
[Kyo] ~ wow...  
[Bakyura] ~ don't act so surprised,  
[Bakyura] ~ aren't you supposed to  
[Bakyura] ~ like  
[Bakyura] ~ be able to predict people?  
[Kanra] ~ to the contrary. I am constantly being surprised.  
[Mai] ~ ?????  
[Kanra] ~ normal not this surprised though, I'll admit.  
[Saika] ~ now I feel like I'm seeing something personal and I don't quite get it...  
[Kanra] ~ Please don't leave, this is a momentous occasion!!!  
[Bakyura] ~ eh?  
[Saika] ~ ... okay…  
[Kanra] ~ a ceasefire has been called on a grudge I thought I'd die with still against me.  
[Mai] ~ Kanra you're acting really weird  
[Saika] ~ … Sorry.  
– [Saika] Left the Chat –  
[Bakyura] ~ well done  
[Kanra] ~ ah  
[Mai] ~ what's going on with you?  
_\----private message----- [Kyo] ~ brother, what's wrong?_  
[Kanra] ~ sorry

– Kanra Left the Chat –

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact I downloaded a keyboard bc it comes with cute emoticons for this, and I keep it bc I kinda feel in love with using them ٩(♡ε♡ )۶


	21. Boredom (3)

Izaya sat back in his seat and put his face in his hands.  
He felt weird.   
He wanted to talk to people. Izaya _never_ wants to talk to people. Izaya is a fortress of walls that he's built up between himself and the world. There's no way he actually is craving human attention at a time like this. It's just not possible. And yet, that is precisely what Izaya wants.  
He's still sore, but he's healed quickly enough, and he's at least mobile. He’ll be able to take care of himself if he goes out, so long as nobody picks a fight. Izaya stood, stretched, and found his coat. It's been too long since he's gone to Russia Sushi.


	22. Quest for Fatty Tuna

As Izaya strolled down the street he kept his usual thin smile on his lips, but it felt different still. The sun was peering murkily through low hanging clouds, and reflecting off the many mirrored windows as he meandered through crowds of people. He didn't see anyone he knew personally, and didn't interact with anyone until he entered Russia Sushi.  
“Здравствуйте, Simeone.”  
“приветствую, вам нравится ваш обычный?”  
“Yes, thank you.”  
As Denis went to make some fatty tuna for Izaya, a familiar face leaned out of a booth.  
“Izaya?”  
“Dotachin!! Long time no see!”  
The man in blue looked so fed up already, as he replied tiredly.  
“... Please, stop calling me that.”  
Izaya just smiled, his typically thin smile now wide enough to crease his eyes. It's a good name- he didn't understand why Kadota hated it so.  
Meanwhile, Kadota was wondering why Izaya seemed so… happy.  
“Hey, want to join us?” He asked as Izaya was paying for his meal. Erika and Walker looked up from their current obsession for the first time all lunch.  
“Huh?” Said Erika, “Who's joining us?”  
“Me!” Izaya skipped up to the booth with a grin.  
“Hey, Izaya.” said Togusa.  
“Oh, Izaya-kun! Here-” Erika shoved Walker further into the corner, freeing up a seat on the edge.  
“Why thank you, Erika-chan!” Izaya plopped himself into the open space, and only a moment later his tuna arrived.  
Izaya wasted no time in taking a deliciously large mouthful, relishing the juices and seasonings. Russia Sushi really was the best. Izaya didn't come here often, because Shizuo was almost always somewhere nearby and that was a pretty big risk to take, even for tuna.  
He wondered vaguely what Shizuo was doing now.  
“Jeez, Izaya, what's with you?” Kadota seemed concerned.  
“Hmm?”  
“You're… I don't know….” Kadota was at a loss for words, but Togusa was able to help out.  
“You're way happier than usual,” Togusa seemed perturbed, as he muttered under his breath, “and that can't be a good thing.”  
“Ease off!” Erika interjected, before Izaya could respond, his grin much lessened. “He probably just happy he can come to Ikebukuro without Shizuo chasing him today. Right, Izaya?”  
Izaya was surprised Erika was aware of Shizuo's lack of murderous rage, and it showed on his face.  
“Yeah, exactly, but… where did you hear about that?”  
“Are you serious? Don't you watch the news?”  
Izaya did, usually, but not today. He pulled out his phone as he munched on more fatty tuna, and quickly checked the top stories.  
Vigilantes in shark masks, Awakusu facing a lawsuit, robbery gone wrong, then, this.

Local Legend -Shizuo Heiwajima-  
Arrested Earlier Today,  
Four Plaintiffs Claiming  
Attempted Murder

  
Izaya hadn't realized he'd stood up until the group complained about him knocking the table. He muttered an apology, and ran out.  
Then ran back in, shoved the rest of the tuna into his mouth, and ran out again.  
  
Everyone in the group was confused except for Erika, whose eyes sparkled with a dangerous looking excitement.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're now about halfway through what I have written. I don't know how long this will be total, but I'm excited for y'all to read it!


	23. Panic

Izaya looked up which station Shizuo had gone to, and ran the whole way, all fourteen blocks, running past the frozen traffic and annoyed pedestrians, then leaped up the steps of the police station and barged through the doors. The woman at the reception desk immediately stood up, a panicked expression on her face. 

“Sir!? What's wrong?”

Izaya immediately realized that he looked like someone seeking emergency assistance, limping, clutching his ribs, his coat hanging off one shoulder and looking rather rushed. He immediately straightened himself, and cleared his throat.

“Ah, no, sorry this isn't an emergency, I just saw on the news that a f-…” Izaya winced “that someone I know might be here, and I felt sure the accusations were false so I rushed over to post bail, or do whatever I could to help out.”  _ and to bribe, threaten, and blackmail whoever was necessary,  _ he thought, but did not say.

“Oh my, how kind of you!” The woman relaxed, and sat back down. She began typing into her computer as she asked questions without making eye contact. “So when was your friend brought in?”

Izaya winced almost imperceptibly at the use of the word  _ friend _ .

“Earlier today, probably between nine and eleven this morning.”

“Your friends’ name?”

“Shizuo Heiwajima.”

“Ah, of course.” She suddenly looked a lot more anxious, but when she smiled up at Izaya it looked almost natural. “Normally I would have to verify that your friend actually wished you to have any information on him and his case, but this time around you arrived just a little bit too late. He was released not twenty minutes ago.”

Izaya's chest relaxed at the words, and that rare, genuine smile flashed across his face yet again.

“Oh, thank you miss Tsunemori.”

Her panicked expression was hilarious as she forgot for a moment that she wore a name tag.

Izaya took a breath and sagged in relief as his anxiety receded, but the adrenaline rush from his race to get here started to disappear as well. He limped over to a chair in the hall and collapsed into it, as his throbbing abdomen and ribs started screaming at him. His hands were shaking.

“Erm… sir, are you sure you're alright?”

“Heh,” Izaya chuckled, then winced. “It's no emergency ma’am, just… just some minor injuries.”

She looked unconvinced.

Izaya sighed, and forced himself to stand and start walking.

It's a decently long walk home, but Izaya wanted the time to think. Something was bothering him, something he didn't want to address.

_ Why did I want to help him. Why was it so important? I shouldn't care. _

_ I  _ can't _ care. _

 Izaya decided to walk as far as he could before calling for a cab, a war waging behind his carnelian orbs. He walked four blocks before doubling over and having to lean against a street sign. 

He caught his breath slowly. Just as he was starting to recover, he felt something cold and damp land on the back of his neck. He straightened up and looked to the sky as the heavy clouds started to release their burden. He sighed heavily and watched the clouds, letting himself get soaked through with cold, cold water. It felt good on his swollen and overheated injuries, so he leaned his back against the lamp post and enjoyed the sensations of rain on his skin.

“Izaya!? What the hell?”

Izaya blinked the water or of his eyes and squinted, the voice of Shizuo making him flush with embarrassment.

“Hey, Shizu-chan.” 

“What are you doing here? You're getting soaked…” Shizuo sounded really worried.

Izaya tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Izaya?” Shizuo asked again. “Are you okay?”

“I'm fine, Shizu-chan.” Izaya mumbled. “I'm just resting for a moment.”

Shizuo sighed.

“When the hell are you gonna be honest about any single thing, without me pushing you? I know damn well you're not fine, you looked like you were about to pass out a minute ago. Besides, you're way too far away from your apartment to walk even if you were fine. Especially in this.”

Izaya really hated how easily Shizuo recognized that lie. Izaya had always prided himself on being excellent at deception, a skill enhanced by the overall lack of truth in Izaya life. He stared angrily at his shoes. His socks are wet.

Shizuo sighed heavily, again. 

“C’mon. Can you walk?” Shizuo stepped forward to help Izaya, but his stubborn streak was acting up. Izaya shoved himself off of the lamp post and strode purposefully past Shizuo.

It was a bluff. He knew he couldn't keep moving at this pace for very long, he had put too much stress on his injuries earlier that day. He knew he should take it slower, but he's definitely not willing to let Shizuo know that. That's why Izaya started grinding his teeth when Shizuo started following him.

He walked to the end of the street before he felt his body starting to betray him, so he took that moment to turn about on Shizuo. 

“Why’re you following me!? Huh?” He sneered.

“Actually my apartment is in this direction too.”

“...oh.”  _ I knew that, I should have known that! _

Izaya turned back around, and tried to focus on walking normally as his face started to flush. His mind started running in self-hating circles. 

“Hey Izaya.”

“Um, yeah?” Izaya stopped walking, but didn't look at Shizuo.

“... You're limping pretty badly. I get that you want to be able to do this yourself but… in all honesty, you're an idiot. Please let me help you.”

Izaya just stared at his shoes. He wanted to deny it, or tease Shizuo about something, or do anything at all, but his head was hurting with how loud his own anger was. Anger at Shizuo for being so damnably nice, but mostly anger at himself, for being stupid, and for caring so much, and for letting himself get hurt, and for letting someone see him in this state, and for being too weak to do anything about it himself. 

Shizuo sighed.

“Dumbass.”

He knelt in front of Izaya and, before the information broker understood what was happening, Shizuo had hoisted him up by the waist and swung Izaya over his shoulder. He started walking, but Izaya was already somewhere else. His body started shaking, as his mind started reliving another time, and another place all together.


	24. Recoil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flashback

No… stop… no...

_ The words never leave my mouth, they hadn't in years. _ He  _ knows they are there.  _ He _ doesn't care, or if  _ He _ does  _ He _ likes it that way. _

I don't like this… it hurts… please stop...

_ I am carried through darkness, trained not to move, not to speak, not to think. _

Stop… please… no… it hurts...

_ Nothing doesn't speak. Nothing doesn't think. That's what  _ He _ says, and that's what I know is true.  _

No… stop… I don't like this...

_ I'm nothing. I'm his nothing. I don't speak. I don't think. I don't scream, and if I'm a good nothing, then it doesn't get worse. _

Stop… it hurts… please… please…

 

Izaya blinked water from his eyes.

His cheek hurt. He'd been slapped.

He tried to refocus himself on the world around him. The rain was still falling. He was sitting on the sidewalk, next to a puddle of water. Shizuo was starting at him, terrified.

“Izaya!?”

“...hey.” Izaya whispered the word. It was just enough to let Shizuo know he was back, and about at much as Izaya could manage right that moment. He looked around with blurry eyes. His heart was beating in his ears. Shizuo started to relax a bit as Izaya looked around. They weren't even a street away from where Izaya had been picked up. 

“Izaya… what happened?”

“... Not much, Shizu-chan.”

“You were shaking, and mumbling about something hurting… I thought I was hurting your injuries at first, and put you down but…”

“Yeah that wasn’t my injuries.”

“No… I'm sorry Izaya.”

Izaya managed to force a small chuckle out of his throat, though he knew his face didn't match his voice as he spoke.

“What are you sorry for? Trying to help when I told you I was fine? Or is that just pity? Or are you sorry for fucking with me so much over the past few days? I'd like to know, Shizuo, what  _ are _ you sorry for.”

Shizuo's shining eyes were wide and pained. He didn't speak.

Izaya didn't want to look at those amber orbs any longer. He rested his forehead on his arms, and curled into a ball, waiting for the monster to walk away.

_ Why doesn't he leave, _ Izaya wondered. They were sitting in silence, together, in the rain, and the silence dragged on.  _ It would be so much easier to hate him if he just left. Just go away…. Go away…  _

But Izaya doesn't really want him to leave. He wants Shizuo to hold him, and tell him he'll be okay, and never leave. But Izaya wouldn't accept that, even if it happened. So he's torn. He's stuck here, inches away from the only one he's ever wanted to touch and yet so very alone.


	25. injured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shizuos pov

Shizuo had just gotten to the corner when he noticed Izaya was shivering, and, assuming Izaya was cold from the rain, he picked up his pace. Then he heard the whispers.

“No… I don't like this… it hurts…” 

At that point, Shizuo hurriedly set Izaya down at the nearest wall. Izaya had instinctively curled into a tight ball, his eyes open but clearly not seeing anything in front of them. The whispering continue.

“Please… no… it hurts… no…”

Shizuo started shaking him then, talking to him, trying to bring him out of whatever was happening. It didn't work.

“Stop… I don't like this… stop… it hurts… please… please…” 

That's when Shizuo slapped Izaya. He was careful not to to it too hard, trying to gauge his strength. He was terrified of whatever Izaya was experiencing. 

_ This man had faced certain death without flinching, he dealt regularly with Yakuza, murderers, psychopaths, monsters and more, and he never seemed afraid of anything, not even me, but this….  _

Whatever had happened to Izaya in the past had clearly scarred more than his body. 

When he saw Izaya's eyes come back to the present, he was incredibly relieved. He wasn't sure what he'd been apologizing for. It felt like he'd just seen something really personal that Izaya wouldn't have wanted him to see, and he felt bad about that. Then, when Izaya said all of that with that dead, emotionless expression, something in Shizuo felt like it was breaking.

He heard those words on repeat as he sat in front of Izaya, letting the frigid water soak them both.

_ I told you I was fine-just pity?-fucking with me-what are you sorry for-for fucking with me so much-I was fine-the past few days-I was fine-fucking with me-are you sorry for fucking with me so much over the past few days? I'd like to know, Shizuo, what are you sorry for- _


	26. Bleeding Heart

A car drove by, splashing a puddle and sending dirty street water over them both.

“Izaya.”

The rain was stopping. Dusk was near.

“Izaya.”

“What?” He voice was thick but flat, with that deadness you feel when you're just too sad to feel human anymore.

“Izaya, let me take you home.”

“I'm fine. Go away.”

“You'll catch a cold out here.”

“Who cares.”

He sounded like he knew the answer, and it wasn't good.

“I care.”

“Uhuh.”

“I do, Izaya. I'm not fucking with you. I'm not lying or playing some long game. You deserve better than…” Izaya had zoned him out, Shizuo was sure. “Better than this. It's not just pity.”

_ Not just pity. So it's  _ some _ pity? Maybe even  _ mostly _ pity? Just not  _ only _ pity. _

Izaya didn't speak his thoughts, of course. Honesty had only ever brought him pain.

There was a long silence as more cars passed by, and the one pedestrian actually out hurried to the opposite sidewalk.

“If I pick you up, will  _ that _ happen again?”

_ By  _ that _ he means the flashback. He's going to force me to go home, isn't he. _

“...Not if I'm prepared, or if you pick me up any other way. Please don't though….”

He was mumbling into his knees, but evidently Shizuo heard him. He felt a large, warm hand on his shoulder as Shizuo leaned in.

It felt… almost like a hug. Like a hug from someone who didn't know if it was okay to give a hug or not. It took all of Izaya's willpower to not lean into that hand.

Shizuo sighed.

“Izaya, I'm sorry. I can't leave you out here in good conscience. I'm picking you up.”

With that, Shizuo lifted him with Izaya's legs and back over each arm. Izaya felt like Shizuo thought himself a knight in shining armor. Izaya didn't complain, though. He turned his face into Shizuo's chest as Shizuo took off running. He did not go to Izaya's apartment, which was still quite a while away, but to Shizuo's. It was in a small little complex, in which each apartment opens onto a covered outdoor hallway. Shizuo leapt up the stairs to the second level, and carefully pulled out his key and opened the door.

It was small, and a bit musky but pleasantly so. It smelled like wet fur and the bitter sweet of Shizuo's cigarettes. There was a sagging red couch facing a small folding plastic desk, with a TV screen that could fit in a backpack. Shizuo walked by those and into a back room that was, somehow, even smaller. The entire room was dominated by a thin western style mattress that Shizuo put Izaya down on. Izaya reluctantly loosened his grip on Shizuo's shirt and let himself relax into the mattress. 

Shizuo didn't see Izaya's face, as he turned away and curled up. He looked so small, there. 

_ Had he always been this fragile?  _

Shizuo closed the door quietly behind himself, and sat uneasily on his couch.

_ This is gonna be a weird day. _


	27. Scars Will Heal but were Meant to Bleed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya wakes with a start

Shizuo was just starting to get tired when he heard it. Coming from his room, from Izaya, were quiet, desperate whimpers. It took Shizuo a moment to place what he was hearing. He got up from the couch slowly, and quietly he crept over to the door. He opened it, and peaked inside.

Izaya was curled up in a ball on top of Shizuo's bed, his jacket clinging to his slender form as he lay there, whimpering. Shizuo's gut sank when he saw Izaya's face, his, clenched jaw, his furrowed brow, and clearly written across his expression was Pain. Fear. Pure, undiluted Terror. Without thinking, Shizuo brushed in and touched Izaya's shoulder, pushing him a little bit. Izaya's eyes flew open, but didn't focus as his body moved, seemingly on its own. Shizuo didn't see Izaya's hand fly from his coat pocket, but felt the singing bite of metal as Izaya spun away from him, landing on the floor over the far side of the bed with a thud. Shizuo looked at his hand, where blood was just starting to bead from the shallow slice, and looked back at Izaya, now in a pile on the floor, knife raised, as he finally took in his surroundings. He slowly put down the knife.

“Wha.. what…” Izaya tried to speak, but his voice was cracking and uneven. He cleared his throat and tried again.

“What are you doing?”

“Sorry, Izaya. You were… you were having a bad dream. I think.”

“... Right.” 

It sounded like sarcasm to Shizuo, but Izaya was not being sarcastic. He knew what happened every night, it just hadn't occurred to him that anyone would ever see it.

“I'm not lying…” Shizuo seemed hurt. 

“I know, Shizu-chan.” Izaya said tiredly. “I know. Thanks for trying to wake me. I'm sorry I…” Izaya trailed off as he looked at Shizuo's hand. “...Do you want me to help you wrap that?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, no it's fine, thanks.”

“... Okay.” Izaya slumped against the wall and closed his eyes. 

Shizuo couldn't help but see Izaya as so much different than he had ever imagined. He looked so small there, delicate. Izaya had obviously lived through something terrible… Shizuo shuddered to think what.

Shizuo walked around the bed, and sat down next to Izaya. He had to fold up to fit in the small space, but he didn't mind. Izaya's breathing slowed and steadied, until he open his eyes.

There are a lot of emotions in those blood-dark eyes when they meet Shizuo's. 

“I  _ really _ am sorry, Shizuo.”

“It's  _ really _ fine… this?” He held up his hand, “this is the closest to normal you and I have been in way too long.” Shizuo was relieved when Izaya cracked a weak smile. “It’ll heal quickly- I barely even feel it.” That was a lie. It hurt, but it hurt the way a papercut hurts. Loud and meaningless. And Izaya knew it was a lie, but it comforted him anyway. He rested his head on his knees, and tried to relax. Despite his breathing exercises, his heart was still beating in his ears. He was glad the memory was cut short. He was glad, too, for the living sunlight radiating from the man next to him. Shizuo's warmth could be felt on his skin through the narrow foot of space between them. Izaya's body was chilled, first from the rain, then from what little restless sleep he had managed to get. 

He shivered a bit, but didn't notice it. Shizuo did, though. Suspecting it was from the nightmare still, Shizuo hesitantly rested his hand on Izaya's shoulder. He was surprised to feel Izaya's coat was damp still… and cold.

Suddenly realizing, Shizuo moved his hand to Izaya's hand- which was cold and clammy. 

“Izaya!”

Izaya looked up at Shizuo, now holding his hand.

“Hmm?”

“Izaya you're freezing, take that jacket off. Why didn't you say anything?”

“Shizuo it's not that ba- agh!” As Shizuo started pulling at Izaya's jacket.

Izaya didn't protest any more than that, as Shizuo started peel away layers of cold damp fabric. Shizuo's breath caught again as the shirt came off, revealing dark but healing bruises under old scars, but he kept moving. Izaya pretended not to notice. He kept his gaze lowered and let Shizuo do as he would. When he was left in nothing but his trousers, Shizuo left to start the hot water running. Izaya then stood up, and after hanging up his clothes to dry, he followed Shizuo in.

Shizuo heard the door close behind him and turned around to see Izaya standing behind him. Izaya was standing straight, obviously trying to be brave, but his eyes would not meet Shizuo's and his head was bowed just enough to let his dark hair cover most of his face.

“Izaya…”

“Ask the damned question already, Shizu-chan.”

“... No.”

Shizuo turned back to the tub and watched the water fill.

“I'm not going to ask you to tell me something you aren't ready to share. I can feel that you aren't ready. I'm an idiot, I know, but I'm not cruel.”

Izaya didn't say anything, and neither did Shizuo until a few moments later. The tub was full of nice hot water, and he said so as he left to let Izaya warm up.

The water was actually a bit too hot, but Izaya got in anyway. Hot enough to hurt, but not to burn. He sat in the water for a few minutes, letting his muscles relax, letting his mind wander. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so you know, this is NOT how to deal with someone who has PTSD. Shizuo is a dumbass and is crossing a lot of pretty obvious boundries. Izaya puts up with it bc hes not well equipped to deal with... well. with anything. He's not used to emotions, or people not hurting him intentionally. If anyone reading this treats someones boundries this way you are a bad person and should feel bad (or maybe just improve urself if its out of ignorance, thats forgivable obvs).


	28. Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shizuo pov

Shizuo found some clean clothes and lay them out on the bed for Izaya, then sat on the couch and listened. He heard the sounds of the street, of the city, and his neighbor had his television up too loud, but he wasn't  _ listening _ to those noises. What he was listening to, was the faint echo of water lapping at the sides of a tub.

_ Maybe I am meddling where I'm not wanted, _ he thought,  _ but that doesn't mean my meddling isn't doing him some good, despite what he says. _


	29. Denial

Izaya didn't take long to warm up, then washed himself quickly and efficiently. When he was done, he drained the tub and used the towel Shizuo had set out for him to dry off. He found the clothes Shizuo had left out. Flannel sleeping pants that were far too large, but could tie tighter, and an enormous t-shirt. He dressed and peeked out at Shizuo.

Izaya couldn't tell if he was sleeping or not. He turned back, and climbed into Shizuo's bed.

_ I just need to get back to work. I need to leave Shizuo alone and just go back to work. _

 

 

Izaya was surprised upon waking up that he had actually slept well. The nightmare had not returned, for the first time in longer than Izaya knew.

He changed into his now-dry clothes and quietly slid the door open, peeking in to Shizuo's main room.

He was completely out of it.

His arms were stretched across the back of the couch, his head back, and his mouth gaping. Drool crusted his chin. 

He looks so peaceful… 

Izaya shook his head, reminding himself harshly.  _ Nothing feels nothing _ . He quietly snuck to the front entrance. Almost silently, he collected his personal effects and left. 


	30. Sinking

Shizuo woke up to the subtle sound of his own door clicking shut. He didn’t move to go after Izaya- he knew that would be useless. Izaya wanted to leave, there was no reason to stop him. Shizuo stretched, stood, and prepared for work, ignoring the disappointment sitting like a rock in his gut.


	31. Work Ⅰ

Izaya entered his apartment, and pulled a seat up to his computer. After waiting for it to load, Izaya let out an exasperated sigh.

“ **(154 new emails)** ” the header read.

That's never good news.

Most of the emails were jobs he could ignore for some time, but several of the emails were sent from the same address. Mizuki Akabayashi needed help, and Izaya needed to be on top of this yesterday. His fingers blurred as he set to work.


	32. Work Ⅱ

Izaya breathed deeply, forcing his tired eyes shut. The computer screen glared painfully bright in the darkness of another days’ fifth hour. A dozen tabs were open, and dozens again paper notes were scratched in illegible shorthand across the desk. The most recent note was written neatly and circled thrice, the bounty finally found from Izaya's mad search. It was an address. 

Izaya slumped a little.

He was fighting to stay up another minute, another five, but by the time the thought could have occurred to him to stand, Izaya had fallen asleep at his desk.


	33. Work Ⅲ

Izaya woke with a start. His heart pounded in his chest, his head throbbed, his body and ears rang with echoes of his own screams, his own pain. The sun rose slowly, casting a red glow in the air. Izaya squeezed his eyes shut and willed his mind to the present. His body shivered with cold sweat and his muscles ached. From the tension of the nightmare or sleeping in a chair, Izaya did not know. Forcing himself to awareness, he stood, stretched, and refocused on his task.

It was a bad night. Worse than usual, and the effects were lingering.

Izaya ignored it. He stashed some extra knives in his pockets and sleeves, and threw on his coat on the way out the door.


	34. Work Ⅳ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> self harm (not explicit) this chapter.

The door to the lobby blew upon with a gust of wind, and blew a disheveled informant in with it. Izaya strode to the elevator, hand shaking almost imperceptibly as he pressed the button. He held himself together quite well for having just narrowly escaped with his life from people who  _ apparently _ hired armed mercs.

Being shot at was not fun on a good day.

Today had been a very.

Very.

Bad day.

The elevator binged open and Izaya barreled into his office, through it, then slammed his bathroom door shut behind him.

He breathed a sigh of relief. The bathroom was small, but it felt safe. Sometimes, just sometimes, Izaya hates how big and empty his living spaces are. He gave his injuries a cursory inspection, and decided they could be ignored for a while. 

He sat on the edge of the tub, and flicked his knife about, anxiety getting the better of him. He glanced hesitantly up at the covered mirror across from the shower. 

_ Something is wrong. _

Izaya couldn’t figure out what it was. He knew it though- something is wrong. It’s times like these where he would spend a few hours double and triple checking all of the plans he had in motion, but not only was he low on distractions he was also well aware that was not the source of his anxiety.

_ Something is wrong with you. _

“Shut up.”

Izaya glared at the empty plastic cover. It’s not real. He knows it’s not real, there's nothing wrong, it's just another moment. He’s used to those. He has moments all the time. 

Izaya cursed himself, and spun the blade across his fingers at a frantic pace.

He needs to do something- anything, to stop from following this spiral to its end.  _ It’s only been a week since Shinra last saved me, I’m not putting him through that again- not so soon.  _

He glanced away from the mirror, looking around the room. He didn’t want to go outside- the apartment feels  _ wrong _ . It’s too empty.  _ There's no smell of cigarettes. _ There's nothing. His life is full of nothings. Izaya bit his tongue.

_ Focus.There’s something wrong, and you can’t cut… so what? What are you going to do about it? _

Izaya glanced around again, and reached toward the nearest drawer. Not the one with the razors. The one below it. He opened it, and found his salvation.


	35. Mistake

Hours later, Izaya had calmed down significantly but still needed a distraction, and he knew what he wanted. His distraction was not going to be “cause more trouble in ikebukuro,” but good food.

For once.

Izaya decided it was worth the risk, and threw his coat on over his long sleeves. He played with the rubber band on his wrist as he walked, frequently checking to ensure his knives were still in place. He rounded a corner, the last block to russian sushi, and saw a crowd. Skimming it, he saw nothing but dark hair. Relieved, he waded into the crowd and stepped in to the corner shop. 

And saw a blond. 

THE blond.

Izaya stepped backwards, and walked quickly.

“Hey!”

Izaya walked faster.

“Hey! Wait up, Izaya!” He was closer. Izaya ran. He did not want this today.He doesn’t know what shizuo wants from him, but it wasn’t good- Izaya knew that much.

“Izaya… Why are you running…” Shizuo's soft voice came from just behind him, making Izaya freeze. 

“Because I just wanted some sushi, Shizuo.” He didn’t turn around. The sentence was clipped sounding without that stupid suffix. He didn’t know what was on his face, and didn’t want emotions to show.

Shizuo sighed, stepping closer. Izaya tried to force a smirk on to his pained features, but the lie wouldn’t stick. He felt so tired. He leaned against the nearest ,wall and slid down, sitting to face shizuo.

“Well then, what do you want?” 

Shizuo's eyebrows knit together as he eyed the too-thin informant. “Iza- uh, Izaya, are you okay?”

“Peachy. What do you want.” 

“I.. Izaya, I want you to talk to someone.” Izaya rolled his eyes, but shizuo pressed on. “I’m not saying me! Or even anyone you know, I’m sure you could find someone anonymous online to talk to, at first, but you have  _ got  _ to open up to someone.” 

Izaya glared up at him. Izaya doesn’t need a monster like Shizuo to tell him what to do, especially not so  _ condescendingly. _

Shizuo deflated.

Izaya hated this. He hated that he had to remind himself to breath when shizuo was nearby. He hated that he couldn’t control his mind, he hated that he would remember, always  _ remember _ . It’s in the past. It should have stayed in the past. He hates it, but most of all he hates that he doesn't hate Shizuo. It’s safe to hate him. It’s easy. Izaya, sitting on the street with his back to cold cement is  _ terrified _ of the man in front of him, but at the same time Izaya holds a certain amount of trust in Shizuo. And that? That scares him even more.

“...Shizu-chan…” Izaya started, his glare softening as he warred with his mind. 

Shizuo took a hesitant step toward Izaya, and when Izaya didn’t react he took another. He sat down a few feet away. Izaya was rubbing his hand against the inside of his arm.

“Izaya,” Shizuo whispered. “Why did you leave?” 

Izaya looked up to the streetlight behind Shizuo. He didn’t think he had an answer… except for the one he didn’t want to say. 

“I was afraid.”

“Of me?”

“...sort of. I’m not… I can’t just…” Izaya grasped for words. Honesty was never his strong suit.

“I’m not someone who can just… do that? I don’t know how to trust someone the way you want me to. And even if I did, who’s to say I should? I’m not a…”  _ good person.  _ Izaya couldn’t finish the sentence. Shizuo had gotten it right the first time. Izaya’s barely human- he’s a parasite.  _ A flea.  _

“Izaya, nobody can live that solitarily. We’re not built for that.  _ You’re _ not built for that.”

“Maybe I am.”

“No, Izaya…” Shizuo looked so desperate. It was odd for him to be so emotional over something that wouldn’t even effect him, while Izaya, the only involved party, was so dispationed. 

“Go home, Shizuo.”  Izaya sighed, dropping the suffix, his energy spent.

“I can’t.”

Izaya glared at him, his  carnelian eyes reflecting the dim lamplight like a cats’ might, shining crimson. For the first time that night, Shizuo noticed Izaya’s tic, the way his thumb was constantly running across the sleeve of his jacket, as though scratching at something underneath.

“Did you cut again?” Shizuo asked accusingly, already reaching for Izaya’s arm.

“What? No! Let go-” but Izaya had no ability to defend himself, and Shizuo already had his arm. He pulled up the sleeve and found welts.

Izaya was glaring at him.

His arm was covered in angry red welts, from his palm up to his elbow. There was a guilty-looking rubber band wrapped around his wrist.

Izaya was glaring at him.

”Give me my hand back.” Izaya said, cold anger freezing the night air.

“Sorr-” but when izaya withdrew he was already spinning away, and running.

“...I’m sorry…” Shizuo apologized to the cold, dark night.


End file.
